Quiet Time and The Rumblings of Something Great

(a glimpse at one of my new paintings)

I've been wrestling over what to write about lately. It's funny, the last thing I wrote on this blog was about how high on life and happy I was feeling, but shortly after, everything fell quiet again. Not that anything particularly bad was going on. I just felt... quiet.

Every now and then, I retreat into a cave within myself, perhaps to prepare for the rest of my life. It's mostly just a time to process where things stand and where I want them to go next. Sort of a moment in time that exists between the other times. In part I suppose I do become paralyzed. I don't want to make any one choice or be public with any of my ideas because I'm not sure I want to commit to them.

When I sense big changes coming, I get antsy. I handle change pretty well, but I hate waiting. It's a definite loss of control, which bothers me. Waiting is the worst part. Once the changes start flooding in, we're usually good to go. Then I have something to work with. So I think a lot, and wait.

On the flip side, I have been incredibly active too. I've been painting. I have 5 new paintings more than halfway done. One has been varnished. And I'm actually really excited about this whole collection. I know I say that about each new year's collection, but it's always true. I love what I'm doing right now. It's a very peaceful, meditative shift in my work.

Perhaps that's related to all the meditation I've been doing. In February I was inspired to take up a regular meditation practice. I set a goal to do 50 days in a row. I've completed that. Now I meditate almost every day, often twice a day. It's been incredibly beneficial, in ways that generally wouldn't make sense to the outside world. Meditation is, at its core, a very inward, personal experience.

The last time I was in a regular mediation practice, 8 years ago, I decided to pursue a career in Art.

The benefits of regular meditation can be potent. I would call it a spiritual experience, but it doesn't necessarily mean that to everyone. It can be gloriously practical too. At the very least, I'm sleeping better, and I feel much less anxious about absolutely everything.

I'm also going to Krav Maga class more than ever. I've increased my time there to 4 hours over three days each week. By summer I want to do 6 hours over four days. I am totally in love with it. I love the bruises I get, I love how sore I am (constantly), I even love the scar I'm developing on my right hand, a souvenir from punching incorrectly.

Between all the fighting and meditation, I feel a bit like I'm living the life of a badass monk.

All in all, it's been a weird couple of months. I've been very active, but very pensive. Just this week I've felt the tide turning. I think I'm feeling less strained and vulnerable because small changes are beginning to happen. For me, it's a relief.

Now I can get on with my life.

1 comment:

Jessica Doyle said...

Shayla… I'm glad you are doing okay. Pensive is a neet state of mind at times to experience and live through.

As the months progress I'm realizing that it is okay to retreat and take time to understand the inner workings of our minds and put to rest or let out what's inside.

Take care my friend…