Blocked

Colin has had a fever for two days and I've had writer's block.

I'm envious of bloggers who can just write out their lives freely, daily, and it doesn't seem to give them hiccups to talk about anything and everything from their emotional issues to breakfast recipes. I open a page and stare blankly at nothingness and panic myself further into total block. Common, I know.

And hey, I write more than most.

But I still long to be one of those people that has an ongoing and sincere dialogue about myself with others, with whomever is reading, without fretting endlessly over what I'm saying.

I started writing for Art & Musings, in part because it was (is) a great opportunity, but most importantly I knew that if I had a commitment to someone else, a whole new audience of readers, I would find it easier to rise to the task of regular communication.

Which I have.

And to be honest, it's much easier for me to write a column that isn't for myself. It's definitely something I'm enjoying thoroughly, and causes me to think harder about who I am and what I want to say at all.

Ideally, my own blog would serve as a more casual venue for my ongoing thoughts, as well as my own personal artsy stuff, and a place to show you my new work.

But I just can't seem to get there. Well, past the artsy stuff anyway.

I don't know why I would feel awkward and obsessively anxious to discuss what I eat for breakfast, but I do. Other bloggers don't seem to have this problem, and I both judge them for talking about "boring" topics and feel jealous that they have the confidence to do so.

Because the truth is, I don't find it boring, and I am interested in what they have for breakfast, because we're all people and I'm interested in who other people are, and how their minds operate, and what their daily lives are like. Obviously I'm more interested to read about people's various personal struggles, emotional issues, and life victories, but I eat breakfast too, and I'm interested in all of it.

I have this awkward habit of vacillating between being too blunt and forward with people and then pulling back entirely so that I don't risk anyone knowing too much about anything in my life. The extremes are a sign of discord, and somewhere balanced in the middle would be ideal. I'm pretty sure half the people in the world think I'm confident and together and the other half think I'm crazy.

I'd like to say that I plan on getting better at succeeding at all of this, but I'm not going to. I'm not actually sure that I will finish what I'm writing now, or feel it's worthy of sharing once I'm done. Really, I just opened the page and started blathering.

On the other hand, I guess that was the whole point.